Dear Mexican: This November, a trusted employee of mine came out about his status as an illegal immigrant. Our big-box retail conglomerate’s policy clearly spells out the termination of my employment should I fail to report such an offense, but I love the mojado to death. He’s loyal, punctual and…
Dear Mexican: I’m a sixty-year-old Chicano and proud. Why do young Chicanos keep imitating blacks? They dress like blacks, talk like blacks, listen to black music and hang with blacks. Aren’t they proud of their own culture? Why don’t they embrace Hispanic ways and learn about Hispanic history? Say It…
Dear Mexican: Why do non-Mexicans consider it a compliment when they tell Mexicans they don’t look Mexican? I am 100 percent Mexican (5’7″, with black hair, brown eyes and olive skin) and ever since I left my home town of El Paso, I’ve been subjected to this backhanded compliment. No…
Dear Mexican: How did the patron saint of México get a name derived from Arabic? El Moro Judío Dear Jewish Moor: You’re referring to the Virgin of Guadalupe, the brown-skinned apparition of the Virgin Mary whom tradition says appeared before the Aztec peasant Juan Diego in December 1531, just outside…
Dear Readers: The Mexican is inside a trunk, trying to sneak back into the United States after the holiday. In the meantime, here are some golden oldies: Dear Mexican: A friend of mine calls Mexicans “wabs,” but being a menso, he doesn’t even know what it means — except that…
Dear Mexican: I’m a Spanish-language student struggling with tenses and the gender of nouns. The other day, some friends and I were discussing street slang, and the word verga (penis) came up (no pun intended). It occurred to me that the definitive symbol of masculinity ends in the feminine -a…
Dear Mexican: It seems that whenever Chicano professors want to show off their mexicanidad, they wear a guayabera. In fact, I saw a picture of you in the Los Angeles Times donning the shirt, along with Dickies pants and Converse All Stars. How trite and bourgeois! You go to a…
Dear Mexican: I was flipping through television when I noticed the Spanish-language channel showing a man in a red suit with yellow pants, antennae on his head and a heart with the letters “CH” on his chest. It appeared to be a sitcom, and all the characters related to the…
Dear Mexican: Man, did you make me laugh with “leprecanos.” I never had more fun on Cinco de Mayo than I did in 1974 in a Cambridge, Massachusetts, Mick bar called the Plough and Stars. After that night, I was hooked on redheads and Jameson. I barely had to buy…
Dear Mexican: Can you tell me the meaning of the word aguacate? All I know about this delicious fruit is that it originated on this continent. Guacamole Man Dear Gabacho: Aguacate is the Spanish word for “avocado,” but its Nahuatl meaning is more rustic: balls. According to Ana María de…
Dear Mexican: My fiancé is trying to learn Spanish so he can speak to my grandmother when we get married next month. Lately he’s been listening to CNN en Español to get an ear for the language. After several weeks of watching the channel, he noticed that there are always…
Dear Mexican: Not long ago, I attended a Los Tigres del Norte concert at a small hall. The people attending were supposed to sit down and enjoy the music. Five minutes into it, these jumping beans started dancing in the aisle. Within minutes, half of them were going up and…
Dear Mexican: A friend says she read somewhere that only 20 percent of Mexican men will go down on their ladies. I don’t believe that. Can you “spread” some light on the subject? El Gabacho Guapo Dear Handsome Gabacho: Let me penetrate the thrust of your friend’s argument by referring…
Dear Mexican: It’s hard out here for a brotha! First we had to deal with those pieces of shit called the KKK and their supporters. Now we have to deal with the freakin’ Mexican invasion. Now I see why whites fretted over seeing their neighborhoods turn dark when Cleophus and…
Dear Mexican: I have very, very light skin because of my Scandinavian heritage. Around Halloween, someone asked me if it was white-face makeup. Why is it that Mexican men find my pallor so fascinating? Fair Maiden Dear Gabacha: BECAUSE YOU’RE WHITE. Mexicans love gabachos even though you’ve fucked our country…
Dear Mexican: How can you explain the disparity between Japan and Mexico? Japan is a nation a fraction the size of Mexico, with zero natural resources, suffered a devastating war of four years that included two atom bombs, yet has reached the highest in educational achievements, technological advancements and economic…
Dear Mexican: I once got into a fight with a cholo. We beat the crap out of each other but when all was said and done, I kicked his ass harder than he kicked mine and the cholo ran off swearing and spitting. I assumed the matter was settled but…
Dear Mexican: I am awestruck by the lack of anger from Mexicans for the Mexican government. Mexican leaders have forced Mexicans from their land. Mexico degrades its citizens like no other country in our hemisphere. The Mexican government and aristocrats despise the majority of Mexican people. The demonic lack of…
Dear Mexican: I have a stupid, unemployed, sixteen-year-old gang-bangin’ cousin who already dropped out of school, and I’m pretty sure most Mexicans are related to somebody who fits that description. About eight months ago, he knocked up a girl around his age, so last week I was dragged to their…
Dear Mexican: I see Jews, Asians and Persians making something of themselves and conducing safe, walkable communities. Of course they’re not perfect, but I don’t see high Jew-crime communities, either. I see these people sticking together and helping each other out instead of envying their own. Why can’t Mexicans get…
Dear Mexican: My gabacha friends and I marched in the May pro-amnesty rallies and wanted to show our support on our chests as well as our feet. We wore T-shirts that read “I only (picture of big, juicy lips) mojados” on the front, and “Yo solo (lips) mojados” on the…
Dear Mexican: I heard that Mexicans at an Orange County candy factory think they saw the Virgin Mary in a pile of melted chocolate. Why do Mexicans always see the Virgin Mary in the stupidest things? Non-Believer Beaner Dear Wab: It’s not just Mexicans who find the Holy Mother in…
