Dear Mexican: I welcome the inclusion of a nice big scoop of chopped habañeros in the bland casserole that is America. I must admit, however, that it gave me pause the other day when I saw an all-too-typical familia of recent arrivals at Kmart: mom, pop and four kids less…
Dear Mexican: A friend once asked me for a Spanish word or phrase that contains fewer syllables than its English counterpart. After years of thinking about this, the only one I could come up with was “Tengo sed” (three syllables), compared to “I am thirsty” (four syllables). This could be…
Dear Readers: Contrary to what some of ustedes think, racist gabachos and self-hating Mexicans aren’t my only fans. Many of our friendly neighbors to the Great White Norte also love me. In honor of my home town Anaheim Ducks pounding on pussy Canadians to win the Stanley Cup, I dedicate…
Dear Mexican: Often when we see Mexican bands perform, the crowd starts chanting “¡Cu-le-ro!” Why does the crowd yell “asshole” at a band they seemingly adore and pay a lot of money to see? Need Más Earplugs Dear Wab: ¡Culero! is the Bronx cheer of Mexican society. We use it…
Dear Mexican: I was sitting around with my daughter and her Mexican husband the other day talking about her past. Jokingly, I mentioned that when she was a teenager (thirty years ago), lots of boys came by the house to see her. Her husband flew into a rage and said…
Dear Mexican: Has the 1965 Immigration Act proved to be a good thing or a bad thing for America, and has the recent unprecedented flood of immigrants (both legal and illegal) been an overall good thing or bad thing for America? Please fully explain your answer and include economic, cultural…
Dear Mexican: I was going through a local state college’s academic program the other day and found that it offers a bachelor’s degree in Chicano Studies. My question is, in what field of work would someone with a bachelor’s in Chicano Studies land? Here are a few jobs I came…
Dear Mexican: I have no problem with immigrants. My grandparents were Dutch on one side and Irish on the other — but they came here legally, through Ellis Island. What I can’t stand are a bunch of fence-hopping, river-wading illegals telling me I owe them a free education, free health…
Dear Readers: Gracias, gracias, gracias to ustedes who bought the Mexican’s book last week (deportation for those who haven’t). I’ve done mucho national press, and e-mails have invaded my inbox as a result, which means I lost the first question I wanted to answer this week. A Seattle reader had…
Dear Mexican: I’m a gringa married to a mexicano, and we have a three-year-old son. His family is wonderful for the most part, and they adore my son, but as he is getting older, his tíos are trying to “toughen him up” and make him more macho. So far, they’ve…
Dear Readers: The Reconquista has arrived! On May 1, ¡Ask a Mexican! comes out in book form, gracias to the literary madmen at Scribner. Expect more of the same, but más: more essays, more illustrations from Mark Dancey (the gabacho who created this column’s logo), and more questions. Below are…
Dear Mexican: Have you seen the e-mail flying around, allegedly from country-rock star Charlie Daniels? What’s your reaction? The Mexicans Went Down to Georgia Dear Gabacho: I love it. For ustedes readers who don’t know what we’re talking about: In April 2006, one-hit has-been Charlie Daniels posted an essay on…
Dear Mexican: What do Mexicans think about President Bush’s grandfather having a hand in getting the guy that robbed Pancho Villa’s head out of jail? Kruising Klassily in Kennebunkport Dear KKK: Ah, Villa’s stolen skull. No macabre Mexican legend is more mired in intrigue, distortions and looniness — and in…
Dear Mexican: Why should Mexican nationals have more of a right to stay in this country than Chinese, Somalis or others who can’t cross an open-land border and must thus wait on the bureaucracy like everybody else? 700 Miles Isn’t Long Enough Dear Gabacho: ‘Cause this land once belonged to…
Dear Readers: Muchas, muchas responses to my March 8 column asking whether I should keep the gold-toothed, mustachioed, sombrero-wearing fat Mexican logo and, if so, what should I name him. The overwhelming majority of ustedes support amnesty for the wab, but a few folks also made articulate arguments in favor…
Dear Mexican: I’m perplexed. I just saw a middle-aged wab wearing tight pink stretch pants with the phrase “Pink Taco” emblazoned across her misshapen buttocks. In my experience, Mexicans of the Mexico-born variety seem to wear a lot of clothes with odd/tacky slogans. My question is simple: Do wabs know…
Dear Mexican: I have a major crush on a worker with the Mexican Consulate aquí en Tucson. But I fear that, like two star-crossed lovers, we’re destined for doom. I’m a gabacha yaktivist and against governments in general. He represents the PAN or PRD or PRI or whatever Mexican political…
Dear Mexican: I grew up with Mexicans who stole things just to steal. As an adult, I see much of the same behavior from adult Mexicans and their children. And I don’t mean just the poor Mexicans. Why is it in their nature for Mexicans to steal? Larcenous Lester Dear…
Dear Mexican: Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger keep putting his foot in his mouth and talking smack about Mexicans? To my understanding, his wife Maria is of Mexican descent. He’s not only humiliating nuestra raza, but his wife, too. Deep Sea Angler Dear Wab: You’re confusing your degenerate Catholics, cabrón: Maria…
Dear Readers: Muchos comments about my February 1 column regarding Mexican names morphing into seemingly wacky nicknames — Nini from Alejandrina, say, or Chely from Araceli. I wrote that such changes occurred thanks to linguistic laws; some of you had other theories. Here’s what a Chicano Studies professor at East…
Dear Mexican: Why can’t I get a Mexican woman to swallow my cream? Curious Jorge Dear Mexican: Why don’t Mexican girls swallow? My girlfriend is Mexican and she gives great head, but at the penultimate moment, she chokes and spits. Gross! So, she won’t fuck because she wants to be…
Dear Mexican: I want to know why Mexicans have such incongruous nicknames. In English, people have nicknames that have some relation to their given names — for example, Kenny is the nickname for Kenneth, and Jenny for Jennifer. Granted, there are some nicknames that seem like a stretch of logic,…
