How to Score a Seat to Obama’s Invesco Speech

According to the DNC, half of the 60,000-plus seats available for Barack Obama’s DNC acceptance speech at Invesco Field at Mile High will go to Coloradans. Those hoping to attend need to fill out an application here. Officials say it’s first come, first served, but we all know they’ll be screening applicants, looking for every way possible to capitalize on the historic event.

To guarantee you earn a golden ticket, be sure to include some of these comments in your application:

— Dream to donate significant trust fund to a candidate who truly moves me

— Believe nation is half ready to elect an African American president, making Obama the perfect candidate

— When heard John McCain’s ad calling Obama a celebrity, threw down my US Weekly in disgust …

— Seem to have purchased domain name “ObamaForPresident.com” in 2000 in fit of crazed online spending

— Day isn’t complete until I’ve cold-called 50 people and asked for money

— Will arrive at stadium in pedal-powered wagon that turns carbon emissions into thriving Denver Daisies

— Want to be at Invesco when the Democrats nominate John Elway to come out of retirement

— Card-carrying member of WWAC, “White Working-Class Association of Citizens”

— Undecided, easily swayed by cheering

— 3.5 million people who read my blog are undecided, easily swayed by cheering

— Have basement full of banner and political button-making materials and no idea what to do with them.

— Dying to see the man who tuned Chris Matthews gay.

— Have 400,000 undecided, voting-age relatives in Ohio

— Every time see a television camera, compelled to rip off shirt to reveal red, white and blue “Change” tattoo

— Curious if three-point shot will be repeated with 50-yard field goal attempt

— Promise to leave head scarf at home

— Joel Warner