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Last week, Victoria’s Secret announced a way for men with football-hating significant others to really piss off their ladies: a line of branded clothing with the logos and colors of the Denver Broncos and a dozen other NFL teams.
Okay, so the raciest things among the collection of T-shirts and sweatpants are the somewhat conservative-looking panties. But still, giving your wife or girlfriend NFL lingerie is about as thoughtful as her buying you all six seasons of Grey’s Anatomy on DVD.
And in that spirit, here’s a list of other Broncos tie-ins we could do without:
M&M’s In January 1998, when the Broncos played in what would be their first (and greatest) winning Super Bowl bid, my friends Dave and Jen hosted a party. To make things festive, Jen bought a couple of one-pound bags of peanut M&M’s and then laboriously separated out the blue and orange ones to make bowls of Broncos bliss. Call me a candy Luddite, but for the past couple of years, Mars has taken all the fun — and healthy — effort out of doing it yourself by offering customized M&M’s for football teams.
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Tebow Wig I have my Tim Tebow #15 jersey, a new Beadles and Walton tattoo on my forearm and a goldfish named Demaryius, but I’m leaving the friar-style Tebow wig at home in favor of the much more respectable-looking Bronco-head horse hat.
Crocs
Really? You shouldn’t even be wearing Crocs in the first place. Don’t make it worse by sporting a pair of these blue and orange abominations. At least not in public.
Navel Stud I’ve seen Broncos earrings, watches (I have one; don’t hate me), bracelets, necklaces, hair-ties, wallets, shoelaces and even mock Super Bowl rings.
But a Broncos belly-button ring?
I just don’t want to see it. It’s nothing against belly-button rings, but if you have a piercing in your mid-section, are you really the type of person who should be supporting the American-patriarchal-violence model?
You are? Okay, then wait for the Tebow #15 labia rings sure to be available soon from your friendly local Focus on the Family gift shop.
Branding Iron
Gross. I am not branding my steak with the Broncos logo. Sorry.
