Audio By Carbonatix
It’s already well established that I am a winner. Recall, if you will, my awe-inspiring victory in September, when I definitively established my dominance as the strongest, fastest and most virile man in a skirt at the Running of The Gays. Now imagine what I could do with my fire-breathing fists, because tomorrow, like Charlie Sheen, I intend to double my victories and become bi-winning at the Denver Nationals Championship Arm-Wrestling at the Bannock Street Garage. Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen: You just got two free tickets to the fucking gun show.
I’ll perform my first amazing feats of strength in the first of two qualifying rounds tomorrow night starting at 8 p.m., and if all goes well (and you can tell it will because I have an awesome mustache) I will vanquish my remaining foes at the championship rounds on April 2 to emerge, with my shapely pectoral muscles glistening from the exertion, the victor. With regard to the treatment for my various injuries, I expect to need only a Band-Aid, because I am cut.
In the unlikely case that you possess testicles steely enough to go arm-to-arm against me, the entry fee to compete is $20 — but it’s free to spectate, ladies, so feel free to come on down. And if you can’t make it, tune into Show & Tell’s Twitter feed, where I’ll be documenting the whole thing live.
In the meantime, do me a favor and call a veterinarian — these pythons are fucking sick.
When news happens, Westword is there —
Your support strengthens our coverage.
We’re aiming to raise $50,000 by December 31, so we can continue covering what matters most to this community. If Westword matters to you, please take action and contribute today, so when news happens, our reporters can be there.
